i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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