Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
