listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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