just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
