i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
