wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
This house was built for laser tag.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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