Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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