dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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