don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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