take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
