Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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