I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
