I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
