Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
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nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
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Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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