he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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