I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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