Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I supernannyed him into submission
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
