That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
