So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
