Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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