I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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