Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
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I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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