just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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