Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i wish my penis had a tongue
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
