Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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