I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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