Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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