your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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