Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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