Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
