u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
