I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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