He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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