i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
