I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I love you. Go after that dick
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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