No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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