I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
