Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
