Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
