tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
