watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
