don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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