Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
