I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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