After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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