My sheets look like a crime scene.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
