a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
