I wish my penis had an off switch
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
