i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
