my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
