1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
