I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
