he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
