Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just threw up on my dentist
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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