i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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