Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
