then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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