I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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