Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
